Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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