I wish my penis had an off switch
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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