Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
