I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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