Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
