Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
