i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
