if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
