I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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