In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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