hell yes lets make some ravioli
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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