I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
