my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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