Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
