i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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