so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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