If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
