1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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