I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
