Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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