New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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