I skipped work to stalk him.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
