words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
