The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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