3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize