I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
