yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
