Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
