Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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