did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
