I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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