I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
