So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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