I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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