Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
