i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
