Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
