i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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