She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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