There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
operation harelip BJ is a go
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
