An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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