If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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