He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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