I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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