i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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