Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Bring me that man meat
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
