I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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