covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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