She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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