She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
