remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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