from now on my penis is your penis
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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