So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
