I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
