if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Randomize