I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
