before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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