Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
