I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
