Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
