Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
