Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
