Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My ass is underappreciated
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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