I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
