I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
